Maybe Grey is Okay

Four words that I would use to describe my life? – “getting out from under”.  What does that mean?  I’m not sure that I even know anymore.  Growing up (and still) there was always somewhere that I couldn't quite get too, something that I couldn't quite overcome, a puzzle for which I could not quite find the last piece.  I have achieved more than I have ever given myself credit for having the ability to, but it is not nearly enough.  Nothing has ever been good enough.  I expect so much out of myself – personally, emotionally, financially and any other qualifier that I choose to place on my validity as a player in this great play.  I probably expect more of myself than I am actually able to deliver, but why should that matter?  Should I not strive for more?  Should I not try to be the best?  At everything? 

Should I expect that everything will turn to shit and be okay with that? Maybe.  Allowing myself to be full-on negative for a minute, it usually does.  So why should I care?

The problem that I have always had is that I am either black or white.  I’m extreme.  I don’t budge on my opinions.  I’ve never tolerated different points of view. When I meet you, I know within 10 seconds if you are good or if you are bad, if you are going to be my friend or if you are going to be my enemy, if you are going to be honorable and true or if you are going to screw me over at every turn.  And once you’ve been accessed, you have no chance of altering my conviction.  (Being the master of delivering bad first impressions, I find that statement depressingly comical.)  Black or white.  It’s the Beatles or the Stones.  Soundgarden or Nirvana.  The Clash or…well we all know there is no argument there!

Whatever you believe to be true and just; I believe the opposite.  Whoever you vote for, my guy is superior.  Whatever is popular is shit and I know of something more essential, and I’m the only one that knows.  Better.  Faster.  Stronger. Further.  Smarter.  Asshole.

I’m a perfectionist.  Less than that, I cannot understand or abide.  And since “perfect” is an unattainable state, I have always been and continue to be dissatisfied. Based on that fact, I’ve tried harder than I should have.  I pushed past what I thought I could not present. I took another swing when I knew I was beaten. I didn’t stop fighting when I knew the battle was over. I did not punt. I did not surrender. I gave more when I had nothing left to offer; to be perfect.  To be the best.  To be the most _______.  Whatever.  Because less than perfect is / was unacceptable. 

Black or white.

My mother would say (and does) that I need religion in my life.  I’m not religious and I’m sure as hell not “spiritual”.  But she might be right – who am I to say?  I personally do not believe in an interventionist God.  I believe that he wound this all up a while back and pushed play, sat down in his recliner with a 6-pack and a bag of beef jerky and watched the show.  If my perception of God is legit, my guess is God is an absolute alcoholic (and addicted to beef jerky on top of!) because we have created a supreme cluster-fuck of this beautiful, exceptional world.  Don’t get tweaked by what I say.  I believe that God (if he exists) has a sense of humor.  If he doesn’t, how else can you explain this?

When I let myself be honest I realize that the way that I have always tried to be isn’t, in fact, the best that I can be.

Maybe I don’t have to be flawless.  The pursuit of that ideal has never ended well for me, has it?  My pursuit of being the ' best damned architecture student in the history of ' undoubtedly took center stage in the demise of my 1^st marriage.  I’d be foolish to say that a similar 'artistic' quest didn’t play a significant role in the breakdown of my most recent romantic misfortune. 

I’ve been singularly focused (on a million different lotteries) since jump, plus I have zero ability to finish the drill. I get sidetracked and heave my focus into something else that I will assuredly fail at and then trek on to the next impossible pursuit.   

When perfection is the only standard and there are no other valid alternatives, there is no way that you can anticipate and / or achieve actual success. 

Maybe there is something somewhere between the left and the right. 

Maybe I don’t have to be perfect.   

Maybe pretty damn good is good enough.

Maybe there is space between the black and the white. 

Maybe grey is okay.